Jen H, alumna of Stoncoast, posted this to her blog and I'm reposting it to mine. In light of what's happening in Cali and what's happening in NY, it's always good to get these sort of emails and blog posts out. I've seen this in different iterations, but I like this very Maine-orinted one.
This piece is credited to Pastor Gerald Olsen of Bangor, and I remember seeing it the first time it went around, in 2005. It's still brilliant:
Dear Michael Heath and assorted Maine bigots,
Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from you and understand why you would be for banning same sex marriage.
As you said "in the eyes of God marriage is based between a man a woman." I try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination... End of debate.
I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some other elements of God's Laws and how to follow them.
1. Leviticus 25:44 states that I may possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?
2. I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?
3. I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanness - Lev.15: 19-24. The problem is how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.
4. When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is, my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?
5. I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2. clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself, or should I ask the police to do it?
6. A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this? Are there 'degrees' of abomination? Oh, sorry. IS there degrees ...
7. Lev.21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle-room here?
8. Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev.19:27. How should they die?
9. I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?
10. My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev.19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair, like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)
11. And one of my real concerns is that gay lobsterman who wears clothes made of two or more fabrics and hauls lobsters on the Sabbath....Four abominations in one day....Wow......
12. And one last question.....Why are Christian bigots so obsessed who people love? I think I know the answer.
I know you have studied these things extensively and thus enjoy considerable expertise in such matters, so I am confident you can help.
Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.
Thanks,
Bible Readers of America
One side to go along with this: I once got in an argument with my friend's aunt about all the same details. She went on an on and on about the Bible saying homosexuality was a sin and "you can't pick and choose what you listen to from the Bible." Then I asked her, "Are you definitely having lobster dinner tomorrow?"
"Yes," she said.
"Well," I said, "that's a sin according to the same exact section of the Bible that says homosexuality is a sin: Leviticus."
She paused, a little stunned, but finally said, "That's the OLD Testament. I'm talking about the New Testment."
"Oh, okay," I said sarcastically. Then I said, "And the New Testment says something about homosexuality?"
"Yes," she said.
"What?" I asked, knowing that it really doesn't.
"It says it's wrong."
"Where?" I asked.
She couldn't tell me.
"I'm pretty sure it doesn't say anything about it," I said, when she couldn't think of anything.
"Oh no. It does," she claimed.
"Really? I don't think so."
"It does," she assured me.
"Well, you let me know if you find it, because I'm pretty sure it doesn't." Then I finally dropped it, but I definitely didn't want to.
The sort of answer is that Paul makes reference to this weird Roman thing where old men did young boys as part ofa ritual thingy, but other than that--nothing. Nothing certainly in Matthew, Mark, Luke of John.
Not that any of this should matter because really what should matter, but it does. It's annoying.
Anyway, hope you enjoyed this email. It's a venting one, smarmy and sarcastic. But it's nice to vent, you know?
