Adieu Old Navy

Today was my last day at Old Slavery. I decided I would write a letter with all my recommendations for bettering the business, now that I won't be there. I was also looking through the employee newsletter, called "Behind the Seams" (seriously), and found a million editorial mistakes. So I, in full copy editing mode from the other job, took a pen to it and corrected it.

WTF? I mean, is this a multi million dollar (even billion?) company or what?

So, I'm going to photocopy my mark-ups and send them to my old store, the editor of the newsletter, the president, and the CEO.

What else? Oh, we had a grand old time making fun of the clothes. Hold on. Let me get some pics and I'll add my comments on the side.

MY COMMENTS:


"Help me Obi Wan. You're my only hope...Help me Obi Wan. You're my only hope...Help me--"



You see what I mean?

You know that LensCrafters commercial for transitions lenses and the people are all in the future wearing futuristic clothes? That's where this shirt came from.


So that was fun to chat about for a smidge. Then we moved on to the dresses. Some of them are very cute. Some are just hideous.


Hideous.

Case in point---------->

Seriously.

What the FROCK are they thinking?

My joke is that when you buy this dress you get a pack of Virginia Slims Menthol and some Poland Springs Coffee Brandy as your gift with purchase. Optional accessories include a football kicked into the yard by the neighborhood kids. When you wear this dress, you'll have to have a Solo cup filled with coffee brandy mixed with half n' half and ice, a Virginia Slim hangin' out of your mouth, and the football raised over your head so you can go around yelling, "Whose is this? Whose is this?!!! I'm keeping this. I'm keeping this! No more balls in my yard! No more balls!!!"

Is it any shock that the moomoos are half price?

Next are the new jeans. Actually everything about them is quite clever. Nice little marketing campaign with the different names for the styles. And the ones called "Sweetheart" are actually good. Several women walked out of the fitting room with broad smiles and high piles for every shade.

I've renamed the denim line to be what they really should be named:

Diva=Slut

Sweetheart=Prude

Goddess=High Maintenance

Flirt=Co(k Tease

Oh, I shall miss making fun of the hideous clothes and transparent marketing ploys.

I still have my discount for another week. I'm spending like crazy after pay day.

So, anyway, Adieu Old Navy. It was a great exactly two years. (Weird, eh? That seems like so long ago.)

Good night,
\/

If your dog is sprayed by a skunk

If your dog is sprayed by a skunk, or How I Spent My Thursday Night

Below are truly effective tips on how to get the skunk smell out of your dog and how to get the skunk smell out of our house once your dog is sprayed by a skunk. But first, a picture to show why mom and I were so patient with her. Look at this face:

It's a good thing she's so cute.

Did you know that PETS and PEST are anagrams? I thought of that tonight from 9:20 to 11:00 PM tonight when I took the following steps to rinse the skunk smell out of my dog. This is what to do if your dog is sprayed by a skunk:

1. Pull out the leftover douches from last summer when your dog was sprayed by a skunk. Pull on some latex gloves.

2. In a bucket, mix a 24 oz. bottle of tomato juice (V8 juice with Lemon apparently also works) and a tsp of dish soap with a quart of hot water. Get an old loofah sponge and loofah the mixture into your damn dog, particularly in the part where she was straight on hit. You don't want to rub the skunk oil into other parts of her skin, so try to find the part was she was sprayed and really work the mixture in there. After that part is done, rub down the rest of her coat.

3. Thoroughly brush or comb the dog's hair, combing the tomato juice solution through. This is a good idea because the dog likes it. Also, this gets a lot of the smelly hair off of her.

4. Use a watering can to rinse off.

5. Give your dog a treat for being a good girl and not running away as you torture her with breakfast juice and water.

6. Bring out the douches. Spray the douche onto the part of the dog was hit. Use the loofah to rub the douche into her fur and skin. Douche the rest of her and rub that in with the loofah.

7. Thoroughly brush or comb the douche through the dog's coat.

8. Use a watering can to rinse off.

9. Mix 1 quart of peroxide, 1 tsp of dish soap and 1/4-1/2 cup baking soda in a bucket. Loofah that through the dog's hair again.

10. Comb through.

11. Use a watering can to rinse off.

The dog is done. Next, the smell in the house:

1. Baking soda the carpets, Febreeze all the fabrics, light all the smelly candles and spray odor neutralizing spray in all the rooms and turn on all the fans.

2. Not kidding: on the stovetop, heat up some olive oil, add two teaspoons of cinnamon, heat thoroughly then bring down, add 2 tbs of juice, fry up in the frying pan. Continue to fry until you're sure smell has permeated the area.

The house is done.

1. Put up some sort of barrier between the room you don't mind the dog sleeping in and the rest of the house.

2. Make up a little bed for the doggie.

3. Feed her another biscuit. She's had a hard night.

4. Take a shower

5. Drink some wine and watch the Colbert Report.

You are done for the night with taking care of your dog. This is what to do if the dog is sprayed by a skunk.

keywords:

Deskunking your dog

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New Feature

Hey, look at that. Over there------->

It's a new feature for the blog that I found today.

Today I'm using a laptop finally. I have been typing everything that I've written in longhand. I've written a lot in longhand for this assignment, due to the absent personal laptop.

Anyway, after typing something, I then take a little breaky break to peruse the internet. I found the astonishingly frightening statistic widget. This stat, by the way, is just as terrifying for our future as, well, terrorists.

I'm still interested in having children, even if I will stymie them with this debt. I mean, I won't by the stymi-er. Someone else does that. His name begins with a B and ends with a sh.

Anyway, enjoy watching our tax dollars get sucked across to the Middle East.

Every Day Street Scenes

Not really every day. I mean, it should have been just an ordinary day, but no. It was like this:

1. First I saw an old lady with a baseball style t-shirt on, an indie rock type tshirt. It had a green monster on it. Not like Wally. Just a really ugly, weird looking monster that was green. She tucked her tshirt into her pants. She had on light colored blue jeans that were really high waisted, kind of like the ones I see on Kevin Bacon right now because Footloose is on VH1.

This image is from a hilarious article about 80s movie montages. See the full piece at http://www.cracked.com/index.php?name=News&sid=1075 .

Anyway, the lady and her interesting clothes were nothing compared to her hat. It was a trout. The front part of the baseball cap had the head of a trout sticking out of it. The back had the tail of a trout sticking out of it. I assume the middle of the trout was going through her head. Anyway, she was crossing the street near the hockey rink in Randolph.

2. Shortly after I saw trout lady, I saw a Buddhist monk in full golden robe regalia. Granted many miles down the road, near my mothers workplace in the next town over, there's a Buddjist temple, but that's still not a sight you see every day on the back roads of the South Shore.

3. Later on in the evening, I saw a man in Davis Square outside of Mike's. I like Mike's. Anyway, the man was holding a disposable aluminum pan. Inside the aluminum pan, just sittin' out there for the world to puke at, was the char grilled head of a pig. Yes, a pig's head. Char grilled. Carried around in Davis Square Somerville on a balmy August night. In 2007.

So, you know, typical everyday day street scene. For people on acid.

Let's Go Reh-ang-lox!

"Let's--Go--Reh--ang--Lox!"
"Let's--Go--Reh-ang--Lox!"

At least, that's what it sounds like right now in Anaheim of Los Angeles in Anaheim.

For you see, the Sox are in Anaheim of Los Angeles in Anaheim.

Half the crowd is Red Sox fans, the other half is Anaheim of Los Angeles fans (seriously, the stupidest thing in the entire world is this being in one town but being called by another town's name).

So, half the crowd shouts "Let's go Red Sox!" The other half yells, "Let's go Angels" So, it sounds like, "Let's go Reh-ang--Lox!"

Oh Red Sox fans, how I love our ubiquity.