I'm tapped out on the blogging front, what with the 22 posted in the last 3 days, or close to that. So, it's time to just repost from the old blog. This one's funny. To be honest, I think I was a little tipsy when I wrote it...
Stepping Stone to Just What I Want, or The Use of Old Relationships and Crushes
July 8, 2006
The Long and Winding Road
So, after my trollop out to the Abington Ale House tonight, I’ve come to realize that each single person is enamored with unobtainables as a mere stepping stone to realizing what he or she truly wants out of a forever type mate.
I could listen to little ol' Ry an Mee han talk about merchant-marining for a decade and never be bored and never stop grinning like a school girl. Ryan was at the Ale House tonight, back from another adventure at sea. He's so very Walter Raleigh that way. Anyway, even though it was Joh nny I worshipped in high school, I sitll liked hanging out with his little brother. This is because the entire Mee han clan fascinates me. But if say, tomorrow, Joh nny Mee han, and all other boys from high year, like poor old Josh and F-List celeb ol’ Nate came to my door and said, “I’ve been an outrageous fool, and I realize how much I am in love with you,” I’d be like, “Oh, hey, nice…um…great…well, I got a… um… thing so good to see you,” and then I’d run away, half pissing myself from the fear of an enamoring unobtainable suddenly becoming obtainable.
The point is, I realized tonight that I’m decidedly single. So, I may recycle interesting fellas from the past but the truth is, if any of those failed relationships came back to say, “You’re my one and only true love,” I’d become an ostrich and bury my head so far in the sand I wouldn’t come up until they’d made a place for me in the attic replete with 2 dozen cats. None of those very compelling personalities are what I want, but all of them are stepping stones to help me discern what I do want when I’m ready to want forever.
This sort of realization helps a single women sleep more easily at night. Especially after being at my cousin’s 4th birthday party and having the following happening:
Drunkard, who we’ll call Sturg Ass– for anonymity– who is a younger friend of my younger uncle (who has the 4 and 2 year old) is leaving the party. He’s saying the following type statements to the other adults as he rounds the patio to leave: “Nice to see you,” “Have a good night, “Bye-bye deary,” “I’ll see you later.” He gets to me and says–and this is no effing lie– “Are you married?” in a rather accusatory and (horrifyingly) interested manner.
Helen Fielding couldn’t have written more effed up, humiliating scenario. Boldly, I looked right at him and said, “Oh fuck no." Everyone else laughed. I continued, “I can’t wait ’til I’m old enough to get married, though. I’m thinking some cool date, like 11/11/11. I always hate November, so why not plan something to look forward to?”
The comedian always successfully incorporates feelings of inadequacy with blunt truth and dagger-like acerb in a harmonious, congenial blend.
I’m nothing if not funny.
Ha ha, I forgot about that Sturgis, oops, I mean Sturg Ass thing. That was so weird. I still can't fathom why someone would do that. Well, I know it was because he was drunk and probably high, but still, so weird.
