This Is Silly But I Had To Share...

This is a silly forward, but I had to share. I got it from my friend/former cube neighbor J ess. I do miss her dearly, and once you read the letter, you will uinderstand why:

Dear Alcohol,
First and foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of
yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect
post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around at the
holidays (hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of
endless family gatherings). However, lately I've been wondering about your
intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I
feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

1. Phone Calls and text messages: While I agree with you thatcommunication is important, I question the suggestion that anyconversation after 2 a.m. can have much substance or necessity. Whywould you make me call my ex's? Especially when I know, for a fact, theyDO NOT want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night.

2. Eating: Now, you know I love a good meal. But, why do you suggest that I eat a taco with chili sauce along with a big Italian meatball and some stale chips [ washed down with wine & topped off with a Kit Kat AFTER a few cheese curls & chili cheese fries ]? I'm an eclectic eaterbut, I think you went too far this time.

3. Clumsiness: Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer this issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

4. Furthermore: The hangovers have GOT to stop! This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening'sdebauchery may be in order. But, the 3 p.m. hangover immobility iscompletely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that if the properprecautions are taken [ water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin ]prior to going to sleep/passing out [ face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn or wherever] . The hangover should be minimal andin no way interfere with my daily activities. Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now and would liketo ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of greatstories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companionwhen I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets. In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review mygrievances above and address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Friday 3 p.m. [ pre happy hour ] on your possible solutions. And hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

Thank you,

Your Biggest Fan

P.S. Please take a moment or two and note the following items below thatI think may be of some interest to you.

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Innovative

2. Preliminary

3. Proliferation

4. Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Specificity

2. British Constitution

3. Passive-Aggressive Disorder

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE
TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:

1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.

2. Nope, no more beer for me.

3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.

4. Good evening, officer Isn't it lovely out tonight?

5. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing