July 25, 2006
Barry Zito can be the seventh on my list of potential husbands, under the following conditions:
1) He continues to live on Lombard St.
2) He writes me a love song and plays it on his guitar down by Fisherman’s Wharf, with his sister on keyboard.
3) He pitches like that against the Sox all the time. (See Box Score.)
4) I get to keep my Red Sox loyalties.
5) If it turns out he’s gay and I’m just his beard, I get to have a lover, so long as I’m discreet.
6) I also get plenty of hush money.
Only under those conditions will I consider a non-Red Sox member to be on my list of potential husbands.
He knows he’s lucky to even have me consider him so he’ll meet my conditions without any problems.
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